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They who think me hostile,
obstinate or misanthropic...
...how unjust they are to me.
For they do not know
the secret reason I appear that way.
It is not possible for
me to say, "Speak louder. "
"Shout. I am deaf!"
How can I live if
my enemies, who are many...
...believe I no longer
possess the one sense...
... that should be perfect to
a higher degree in me than in others?


***
Tema muusika tegelik mõte...

I cannot hear them...
...but I know they are
making a hash of it.
What do you think?
Music is a dreadful thing.

Anton: What is it?
I don't understand it.
What does it do?

It exalts the soul.
Utter nonsense!
If you hear a marching band,
is your soul exalted?
If you hear a waltz, you dance.
If you hear a Mass, you take Communion.
It is the power
of music to carry one...
...directly into the mental
state of the composer.
The listener has no choice.
It is like hypnotism.
So now...
...what was in my mind
when I wrote this?
A man is trying
to reach his lover.
His carriage has
broken down in the rain.
The wheels are stuck in the mud.
She will only wait so long.
This is the sound
of his agitation.
"This is how it is"...
...the music is saying.
"Not how you are used to being...
...not how you
are used to thinking.
But like this. "


***

Even though I had hated him
for so long...
...even though he had tried
to destroy me, I went.
I had to go.
I knew it would be the last time.
I could not see him.
And I imagined some last-minute insult
had sent him running home.
Then I saw him. Everybody saw him.
He had revealed his
most hidden secrets to us.
The circle was broken.
I could not hate the man
who could write such music.
I saw him one more time, at his
rooms on Schwarzspanier Strasse.
That was where he died.


***

The comedy is over.
I once loved him.
He turned his back on me.
He abandoned me.
I never heard a word from him.
I was a fool.
I never meant anything to him.

My angel, my all...
...my other self.
Just a few words today,
and that in pencil. Yours.
Only tomorrow will I know for certain
where I am to stay...
...a worthless waste of time and such.
Why this deep sorrow?
If we could be united,
we would feel this pain no longer.
Where I am, you are with me too.
Soon we shall live together,
and what a life it will be!
***
The journey was dreadful.
I did not arrive here
until in the morning.
At the last stop, they told me
not to travel at night...
...and tried to frighten me
about a forest...
...but that only tempted me.
The coach had to break down on
such a terrible road for no reason.
Just a country road.
And now I am held up completely.
But I have found another, and we
will surely see one another soon.
Today, I hope.
I have to see you.
However much you love me,
I love you more.
Never hide yourself from me.
Wait!
While still in my bed,
my thoughts turn to you...
...my Immortal Beloved.
Some of them happy, some sad...
...waiting to see
whether fate will hear us.
I can live only completely with you
or not at all.
Yes, it must be.
I must go to sleep now.
Be calm, love.
Today, yesterday,
what longing with tears for you.
You....
You're my life, my everything.
Farewell, then. Go on loving me.
Ever yours, ever mine, forever.

Päev.
Magamine, õppimine ja tühja laskmine.